the ritual DBT Coach

DEAR MAN

DEAR MAN gives structure to a request or refusal. Clear communication can support your goal, but it cannot guarantee agreement. Choose a safe person, time, and setting; a better script is not a solution to threats or coercion.

When to use it

  • You need to make a specific request
  • You want to say no without a long argument

The steps

D

Describe

Give the relevant facts briefly, without assigning motives.

E

Express

Explain your feeling or view in your own words.

A

Assert

State the request or refusal plainly. Make it clear what you are asking the other person to do.

R

Reinforce

Explain an honest benefit of cooperating; acknowledge willingness to work with you.

M

Stay mindful

Keep the goal in view. Restate your point rather than chasing every side argument.

A

Appear confident

Aim for a steady voice and clear wording. Feeling nervous is allowed; eye contact is optional.

N

Negotiate

Consider alternatives within your limits. Do not bargain away your safety, consent, or essential boundaries.

An example

Mina tells a roommate: 'The kitchen was left full of dishes twice this week. I feel stressed cooking around them. Could we each clear our dishes before bed? That would make breakfast easier for both of us.' Mina is open to a different agreed cleanup time.

Related: GIVE, FAST, Cope Ahead